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political divisions in this country being what they are, it's not
enough that liberals and conservatives have different radio
networks, different Web sites and different networks of friends.
In order to eliminate all possibility of trans-partisan
conversation, I really think it's time we stopped flying together.
It's time to set up two different airlines: Liberal Air, with
direct flights between Madison, Berkeley, Ann Arbor and the New
School for Social Research; and Right Wing Express, which will
have planes with no oxygen masks in case of emergencies because
anybody who can't handle a little asphyxiation doesn't deserve to
live.
The way I see it, every flight on Liberal Air (motto: Your
Grievances Are Our Grievances) will take off 45 minutes late, or
whenever people feel like leaving, with the ensuing late arrivals
blamed on Karl Rove.
The planes themselves will be designed by a really interesting
fuselage cooperative in Oregon. Seating will be divided between
coach class, working class (mostly screenwriters in flannel
shirts) and faculty.
The experience of flying on Liberal Air will be different than
flying on normal airlines, and the company will be structured in
different ways. For example, the frequent flier program will
reward customers the less they fly, just to make things even.
Airfares will be symbolic, since everything is paid for by George
Soros. Pilots, who look disturbingly like Arlo Guthrie, will greet
passengers at the door of the plane to apologize for the oil they
are about to consume.
After the safety teach-in, mandated by the F.A.A. ("All
bike messenger bags must fit in the overhead rack . . . in case of
a water landing, your moral vanity may be used as a personal
flotation device . . ."), there will be an inflight
entertainment program, eliciting the complete range of highly
attractive liberal emotions: rage, anger, disgust, contempt,
pessimism, gloom and despair. For a full hour, passengers will
watch Michael Moore movies; then for the next hour they will
congratulate themselves for having a nuanced view of reality.
In addition, pilots will provide a running travel commentary
over the P.A. system ("Ladies and gentlemen, if you glance
out of the left side of the aircraft, you'll be able to look down
on the people of Kansas"), and there will be encounter
sessions for Democrats who know in their heads they had to go with
Kerry but who now miss the excitement of Dean.
Right Wing Express will have a different corporate culture.
From the moment you walk into the airport ("Air traffic
controllers? We don't need no stinkin' air traffic
controllers!") you will know you are in for a different
experience. The special
George Bush magnetometers will check for firearms, just in case
someone isn't packing, and will also peer into the soul of each
passenger (Good Heart . . . Evildoer . . . Good Heart . . .
Evildoer).
All passengers who pass through the membership committee will
be awarded their own "Mission Accomplished!" flight
suit. They will find the fares surprisingly affordable, especially
if they fly up front, because first-class fares will have been
drastically reduced in order to stimulate economic growth and the
first-class meals will be especially lavish to give the hungry
folks in coach an extra incentive to work hard and reform their
lives.
All Right Wing Express flights will leave exactly on time,
though for national security reasons the pilots will not reveal
the identity of the destination cities. The Hummer-brand planes
will have ample headroom for big-hair ladies, dozens of pews with
easy access to the putting greens, and drop-down TV monitors,
which will show libido-crushing abstinence education videos. There
will also be ample bathroom facilities for heterosexuals of both
genders.
Right Wing Express flights will not only land at airports, they
will occupy airports. Passengers might sometimes find the flight
attendants a tad abrasive ("You want me on that wall. You
need me on that wall . . ."), but the cigarettes will be free
and plentiful, and each passenger will be greeted with an
appropriately conservative mantra, "Welcome to Right Wing
Express, how can I help you help yourself?"
The purpose of having ideologically segregated airlines is
obvious. For the past few years we have been happily hiving
ourselves off into self-congratulatory reinforcement groups. None
of us should be forced to fly with the lying, cheating, vicious
dirtballs who make up the other side. source...